Sedentary life at home in Ithaca has effectively debilitated my writing for the past several months. So please bear with me as I take baby steps toward getting my groove back.
As I explained in my previous entry: Being perfectly honest in my writings opens a can of warms, and that is the fact of all the gaps there are in my entries. I hate to have to figure out reasons to explain the unexplained absences. In many instances in my life, I am plagued by lousy personal experiences—traumatic encounters involving interpersonal relationships that have soured. These events often cause me to wind up in an emotional tailspin, which is pretty, much the situation I have been in for the past several months, as of this writing.
With three months gone by, I struggle with the question of how to explain what has been going on in my life. It would normally be easy for me to gloss over the gaps in my time that I rather not leave for public consumption, but it makes things even more dicey when I point to individual traumatic events that set the tone for all events subsequent. I am faced with the ethical dilemma. Should I explain the incidents that have been causing me such grief, or should I just paint over them. Is that considered lying, or just being rightfully selective? After all, I am not a public figure. I am entitled to fashion my history, as I most comfortably see fit.
The questions plays over in my head: Am I lying, or not?
I posted this line on my Facebook status update, the other day, in order to see eho might bite:
The problem with having such a strong code of ethics is that it limits my ability to be self-protective.
To which a friend replied, Nonsense.
I pressed ahead: Would you agree, though, that being ethically disinclined to lie only makes it harder to gloss or skip over the negative details of one's life?
My friend expounded: “Joe, I agree "that being ethically disinclined to lie only makes it harder to gloss or skip over the negative details of one's life." It also makes it harder to gloss over the negative details of one's SELF - and once you understand THAT, I would say you have a much clearer idea of the need to be, and how to be, self-protective. Any characteristic can be used to keep us stuck, or to move us forward. All depends on how you look at it and use it.”
I continued explaining my dilemma: The thing is, I am trying to write more to my blog. It remains tough to contribute more to it, without revealing the negative events that have happened recently, which have so significantly impacted my present situation. I worry that if I omit those details it would come off as dishonest, which is against my ethical code. I have been reading that Sissela Bok* book that you recommended to be and it has been very influential.
*Sissela Bok is the writer of the venerable philosophy book known as Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life
My friend had this answer for me: I'm glad you're finding Bok useful. It's been so long since I've looked at it that I don't remember it well. But when you're writing for public consumption, no holds barred is not always the best tactic. Because honesty comes into conflict with kindness, privacy and many other values. As well as, as you noted, self-protection. This (to my mind, anyway) is what shrinks are for - that's where, ideally, one can be completely honest. And why fiction can be a good tactic, if one is so inclined. Also, I think sometimes we can be more honest by being circumspect. These are not new dilemmas, obviously. And privacy matters, though these days you'd be hard put to find anyone to agree with that. Emotional self-protection is an art, and a duty we do indeed have to ourselves. The trick is to do it without completely closing ourselves off or being horrible to others. You can contribute to your blog, even about things that are very personal, by talking about the *problem posed* by a particular event, rather than the event itself. Bok's book wasn't created in a vacuum. She watched herself and others before talking about lying. But the book is not a personal telling of things she did or were done to her. Does that mean she's lying? Of course not. I think the trick in growing up (which we do our whole lives) is, at least in part, teasing out what should be public and what should be private. Keeping things private doesn't by definition mean you're being dishonest.
I leave you, the reader with these thoughts. Does this advice serve me well? I’ll leave that up in the air, but I am tired now. Off to bed and till morning.
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