9/22/10

From Woerden—Update:

Heading from the Netherlands to New York tomorrow. Catching a flight from Amsterdam to JFK. Staying in NYC for a few days, and then we'll see where I move on.

Those words: We’ll see where I move on…They are so familiar to me now that I have little trouble at all letting them slip past my throat. What do they mean between the lines? There are no permanent plans in place, no lofty ambition to tackle upon returning to the Real World. I’ve settled upon the fact that there is no ‘real world’ for me. Sure, I have tried (twice now) to commit myself to a responsible future—responsible, as the eyes of others would see it. These ‘others’, of course coming in the form of frustrated psychotherapists and asshole husbands of demented Aunts. The first time, the Fall of 2007, a half-baked stop-gap of an endeavor to gain a History MA at SUNY Cortland (a degree that while providing some intellectual stimulation is otherwise of little to no practical value professionally), and the second time, Winter 2010, just another uninformed Walter Mitty-trip, attempting to enter an Early Childhood Education Program at the same SUNY, all the while in the midst of recovering from the after-effects of the worst depressive crash in my entire history of depressive crashes.

So, no, there will be no more Walter Mitty-trips, though there will probably be more stop-gaps, until my coffers are replenished.

I don’t see myself as living a sedentary life any time soon. I remain a nomad whether my current digs are in a place that is foreign or domestic. As I have written to a young friend and former camper of mine:

Personal security and stability is the chief concern. However, I feel that my options are far too narrow, as in effect; I don't feel that I have a "home" to return to. I have essentially been a peripatetic for several years now, whether it is I who is moving on, or if it is the many who come and go in and out of my life. The mind can take so much stimulation, but it lacks the ability to resist its natural capacity for making attachments.

Took a long walk through Woerden today. The sun has finally come out, after several overcast and rainy days. It makes the flatness of Holland’s ground level seem otherworldly to me. Serene. My, how there is this scent that wafts through the air that is both gamey and sea-like, at the same time. I could practically hear sea gulls around me, if only in my imagination. That’s the best way I can describe it.

Indian summer.

Mailman abiding, toward the next…