In discussing in a previous post, emotional Highs I have experienced, I have speculated that the cause of the High can be traced to an “excess of dopamine and serotonin flowing into the brain.”
It has taken a very long time for me to accept the fact that I have conducted the majority of my life decisions of the past several years, based primarily on increasingly compulsive behavior. While I have often had an inkling of the fact that living my live along these dictates is unwise and unhealthy, I have for the most part, dismissed these pangs of conscious, in favor of continuing on with the current habits, as the Highs are so intense in their feeling, hence, the desire to receive the Highs is practically irresistible.
Recently, while paying a spontaneous visit to the Montessori School I attended as a child, my former principal suggested to me that I draw a connection with my compulsive behavior and the psychology of attendees at Alcoholics Anonymous. Basically, the way she phrased it was by asking me if I had ever before attended an AA meeting and witnessed the confessions of the various group members. I responded that I hadn’t. Upon some reflection since the visit, I have relayed in email to the principal, that “I'm finding that it does make a lot of sense.”
If there were a proper term to define my compulsive behavior, it is an “adulation addiction.” I touched upon this subject in a post last month:
There was a time when should I be trapped in a personal state of malaise I could find an outlet in going to the places, working the jobs, and being close to the people who fulfill my emotional needs. In the surge of pleasure that accompanies the act of satisfying my needs, I’d feel myself overtaken by an incredible sense of love, or emotional attachment—attachment to whomever it is that shows me the affection that I seek, whether it be romantic or platonic.
This constant infatuation, not based on a genuine selflessness, but instead based on a selfish need to be adored by others, in order to compensate for my low self esteem.
I have been able to come to terms with the falseness of the infatuation, due to the side effects of my current antidepressant medication. As I wrote before:
For the past nine months I have taken new medicines as a habit. I have the benefit of for the first time being able to work productively at any form of labor within my capacity uninhibited by the demands of lingering emotional needs. The drugs have inhibited that part of the brain responsible for them. I have done more research, gained a greater self-awareness. I supposed this is maturity.
As I write in the email: “It does seem as though, all the negative thoughts I have been plagued by, are directly linked to feelings of self loathing. But whenever I am able to discard this self loathing and look at myself with greater respect, the thoughts, in turn, disappear. I suppose, then, that if negative thinking is an addiction, then as with any addiction, it is a lifelong illness that is hardwired to the brain. But although there is no cure for an addiction, I am able to kick the habit. But as with any addict, there is always the possibility for falling off the wagon.”
From some cursory research:
Characteristics of behavioural addictions according to Grüsser and Thalemann [9] include:
1. The behaviour is exhibited over a long period of time (at least 12 months) in an excessive, aberrant form, deviating from the norm or extravagant (e.g., regarding its frequency and intensity)
2. Loss of control over the excessive behaviour (duration, frequency, intensity, risk) when the behaviour started
3. Reward effect (the excessive behaviour is instantly considered to be rewarding)
4. Development of tolerance (the behaviour is conducted longer, more often and more intensively in order to achieve the desired effect; in unvaried form, intensity and frequency the desired effect fails to appear)
5. The behaviour that was initially perceived as pleasant, positive and rewarding is increasingly considered to be unpleasant in the course of the addiction
6. Irresistible urge/craving to execute the behaviour
7. Function (the behaviour is primarily employed as a way to regulate emotions/mood)
8. Expectancy of effect (expectancy of pleasant/positive effects by carrying out the excessive behaviour)
9. Limited pattern of behaviour (also applies to build-up and follow-up activities)
10. Cognitive occupation with the build-up, execution and follow-up activities of the excessive behaviour and possibly the anticipated effects of the excessively executed behaviour
11. Irrational, contorted perception of different aspects of the excessive behaviour
12. Withdrawal symptoms (psychological and physical)
13. Continued execution of the excessive behaviour despite negative consequences (health-related, occupational, social)
14. Conditioned/learned reactions (resulting from the confrontation with internal and external stimuli associated with the excessive behaviour as well as from cognitive occupation with the excessive behaviour)
15. Suffering (desire to alleviate perceived suffering)
There is little I can add in analysis, as these characteristics do indeed correspond accurately to the way my compulsive behavior has worked.
One reason that I have allowed my behavior to continue unchecked is that I became so used to it, that it in essence defined my reality. I had long forgotten that it was a false reality, that life could be different without the feelings incumbent with the addiction.
Apparently, I’m not off base. According to Elizabeth Hartney of About.com:
The process of seeking out and engaging in the behavior becomes more frequent and ritualized, until it becomes a significant part of the person's daily life. When the person is addicted, they experience urges or cravings to engage in the behavior, which intensify until the person carries out the behavior again, usually feeling relief and elation.
Negative consequences of the behavior may occur, but the individual persists with the behavior in spite of this.
As I wrote before:
There are many benefits in the practical sense—I’ve gone on for so long, allowing feelings to become obsessions—very self-destructive obsessions, costly to me and potentially threatening my relationships with others.
I suppose it is true what they say: awareness is the first step to recovery.
The hardest part about receive my education in the school of hard knocks is that I can’t expect to move ahead without having screwed up and alienating friends and creating some enemies in the process.
-- Joe
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